


I've Got You On My Mind (And You're Paying The Price)

by RageHappyThunder



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Merry Christmas, slight mention of an ED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RageHappyThunder/pseuds/RageHappyThunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joel’s been dreaming of Ray since the day he met his younger co-worker. He starts to suffer from insomnia but what he doesn’t know is that the same exact thing is happening to Ray. To make things weirder, when Ray sleeps and dreams of Joel, Joel can’t sleep. When Joel dreams of Ray, Ray can't sleep. Trying to fix their sleeping schedule they both try and come up with a game plan. However, Joel’s depression starts to take a toll on him and Ray can’t pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got You On My Mind (And You're Paying The Price)

The apartment felt nothing like home, it felt abandoned, cold, like the only sign of life had flown away on some quest for glory. Joel felt like an intruder; as if he didn’t belong in his own apartment, like the air was too thick to breathe in and the TV too bright to fall asleep to but every night he did the same routine. He’d finish some work to the mechanic rhythm of him eating leftover food, turn on the TV and just stare at it. Joel had abandoned the impossible theory of falling asleep at a decent hour because he just fucking couldn’t. 

And when he did fall asleep, he dreamed.   
(Dreams that were wonderful but he’d never admit that. Not yet anyway.)  
He dulled his mind and listened to the only other heartbeat in his apartment.  
The clocks.

They tick, they tock but they never really say anything.

The TV emitted a dull murmur while Joel lied down on the couch, pulled a blanket over himself and clutched the remote in his hands.

He watched.

The TV’s voices filled the air with a mechanical wave of happiness that only an overused laugh track could bring. He flipped the channel, main character got the love of his life, he got to act dorky, make people laugh, mess up, say he’s sorry and tell the most important person in his world that he loved them and then sealed the deal with a kiss.  
He said something to break the moment.  
Laugh track.  
Successful sitcom.   
All this happened within a few episodes.  
Joel knew how the acting world was like. He’d traveled into it’s depths and stalked every opening like a predator who hadn’t eaten in years.   
Everyone starts at the bottom with these things.   
Joel took the remote and changed the channel so a peppy woman tried to force the watcher to buy something over priced and not needed.   
The bottom.  
Joel laid there, and wondered when the exact moment was that he started at the bottom and dug his way deeper down; to the core. A negative one when people started out as zeros.   
He turned the TV off with a click, and the only source of light disappeared, making the apartment pitch black. Joel slunk his way to his bedroom, and cursed, the weight of the world on his eyelids, and a hint of something inside of his stomach.  
Jealousy? Hate? It boiled like a witches brew inside of him, but there was one thing that tasted horrible, dry, fucking sad on the back of his throat.

_Disappointment_.

He stared at the ceiling, then took a sheepish glance at the clock.

3:00 AM.

He felt a final tug on his eyelids and he gave up.  
Suddenly, there was sleep.  
And dreams. Wonderful dreams that would shatter Joel’s reality for a heart wrenching moment, only for him to wake up unsatisfied, tired, and so fucking confused.   
~~~~  
“HI BILLY MAYS HERE-” Ray jolted awake from his slumber and flailed from his comfortable spot on his couch.  
“HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OXYCLEAN-” Ray fumbled for the remote, and slow spark of panic enveloping him like a tidal wave.  
“LOOK AT THAT STAIN, YOU CAN’T BECAUSE IT’S NOT THERE ANYMORE-” Ray clasped the remote and slowly turned the TV’s volume down.  
“FOR $19.99 THIS could be yours-”   
“Fucking shit,” Ray cursed at himself, “I thought he was dead.” He then passed his hand over his face and scratched his beard as his hand traveled south, Ray then let his hand hit his thigh like a dead weight, the air around him echoed with the sound of his hand hitting his skin. He shot a glance at the clock and cursed himself. It was a few minutes passed 3:00 AM and Ray’s been down this road enough times to know how this night’s going to end.  
It’s going to end with him staring at the TV for three hours before he showered and got ready for work because he’s too tired to turn his Xbox on and it’s like 30 feet away from him? Either way, Billy Mays just gave Ray the fright of his life and he was wide fucking awake right now.  
Seriously. _Jesus_.  
Ray chuckled quietly to himself and flipped the channel, turning the TV up slightly so it was a little above mute.   
He heard some distant character say something sarcastic and dry.  
Ray smirked, but the muscles in his mouth quickly relaxed again.

Dreams.

Ray’s had the same one over and over again, but they’re slowly getting different.

He remembered hands, strong and protecting holding his and filling him with warmth, the arm attached to it was cloaked in a grey hoodie and Ray remembered uttering a nervous chuckle-

And then Billy Mays happened.

But sometimes, certain things will remind him of his dreams, a certain smell, a certain tone of voice, or a certain someone or something would just trigger these stills in his mind and this warm feeling in his stomach that made him feel like he swallowed a bunch of caterpillars who have finally grown up and are all trying to fly away.   
Ray was so tired.  
He felt extremely frustrated too. Tossing and turning at night and being able to sleep fine sometimes but other nights he couldn’t even get his eyes to close for more than 10 minutes.

Ray thought about his dreams.

~~~

_“I’ve been sleeping very strangely,” Ray tapped his fingers on his work desk aggressively, he made up a beat and stuck to it, “I know you can hear me.” Ray ignored the voice echoing in his dream space._   
_Everytime he’d talk a white puff of air would escape his lips like it was a cold winter’s day and he’d have this strange feeling, like the second he’d talk the dream would intensify and leave him feeling lost. “Please. Ray please.” The pleading, the heart wrenching sound of the other’s voice pleading him to say something. It killed him, it murdered him in cold blood every time the other would show up. Mostly because Ray would look into his brown eyes like they were the night sky._   
_Ray was looking for the stars but couldn’t find them. Someone swept the stars away from Joel’s eyes like they were broken glass on the floor. Joel. Ray. Ray was dreaming about Joel and it would kill him a little inside everytime because he’d want his dreams to be real but they never were._   
_Fuck it._   
_Ray got up from his seat, pushing his black rolly chair as he stood up. He sighed. The air was now crisp and he saw the white smoke flow out of his lips like he was an aged smoker._   
_“Let’s get lunch,” Ray could feel Joel’s smile._   
_What was worse was the physical contact. He felt Joel’s hand on his and he wanted nothing more._

_Ray knows he’s making up a perfect version of Joel, like a manic pixie dream girl or something but he’d kill to know how Joel’s hands feel wrapped around his, just to see if it compares to how it felt like in the dream._   
_For science._   
_No homo._

~~~

Joel did not want to be ‘saved’ if he was going to beat whatever demons latched onto him and filled his heart with doubt and lies like ‘you’re not worth it,’ and ‘you waste air that someone else could be breathing’ and Joel’s personal favorite, ‘You’re a pathetic loser who won’t amount to anything, actually scratch that, you took your life and amounted to dirt.’ Yeah that last one’s a killer sometimes, but he was going to wake up each day, go to work, and buy eggs. Himself. He was going to fight this with an iron fist, no mercy on his demons. Alone. Just him.  
But Joel couldn’t help but look at his empty apartment and wonder what it would be like to wake up next to someone who compliments you. Compliments not like ‘hey you’re pretty’ but makes your best features stand out, and you make their best come out and bite people on the nose. Compliment like the rain compliments the earth, making it smell nicer after the fall, making it turn lush and green; rain keeps the Earth from dying, and the Earth makes rain by like condensation or something.   
Joel grabbed his car keys and skipped breakfast, something he does often when his stomach feels so filled with bile and he just can’t focus enough on anything, not even breakfast.

He’ll eat more for lunch maybe.   
It’ll make up for it, right?

~~~

Ray is not a smart man, he is not perfect. He’s a tuesday afternoon when everyone’s out at work and you want to play, he’s the feeling you get when you see something you want through a window.. and watch someone else purchase it. It’s not a disappointment, really, it’s just an ‘oh’ feeling; your gut wrenching and hoping to add a hard k to the end of that emotion.

Ray tried to jump a fence and he fucking ate shit, the only thought going through his mind was if it would scar, and if he could somehow make it a cool story to tell.

He isn’t the most imaginative person out there either.

Chilled with the late December breeze and tired to the bone, Ray pushed past the doors of the RT office, greeted Kara with a nod and a wave, and made his way to the kitchen.

  
Joel was slumped against the kitchen sink, buried in thought, a coffee clutched in his hand.  
“Hi Joel,” Ray said cheerily, _guess who I’ve been dreaming about since I met them? Did you guess you? Because you’d be right, let’s go out for lunch and find out what’s going on with this freak show shall we?_  
Joel’s eye twitched.  
“Hey Ray,” he said drowsily, doing a double take and then looking at his watch, “It’s early isn’t it?”  
“Yeah.” Steam rose from Ray’s coffee cup.  
“What’s the matter can’t sleep?” The question was a joke.  
“Yeah.” _And it’s your stupid face’s fault._   
Joel’s face fell.  
“I feel you.” He said, “I-I,” He pressed his palm on the side of Ray’s face.  
“Hmm, yess this is good, I wanted this yes.”  
“I feel you.” Joel said, tone kinda serious, the older freaked out a bit, thinking he made it weird and quickly retracted his hand. “Pills make it worse.”  
“Mhm.” Ray agreed.  
“Much worse.” Joel mumbled.  
Ray edited slower than a fucking turtle high on marijuana, speaking of which, it was 4:20PM and he would like to say ‘Blaze it.’ So he did, he muttered it under his breath and his companions didn’t even react, it was routine.   
Kinda boring after a while, to be honest.

~~~

_Ray had a dorky smile on, he sat at the edge of Joel’s desk. The other was so absorbed in work he didn’t even notice him, watching the numbers in front of him change and change until he looked at his scripts that were half done and angrily played with the power button on his computer, the device refused to turn off._   
_“Joel.” The voice was so distant, but suddenly he found Ray curled up on his side, he didn’t ask if Joel wanted help, he didn’t ask him if he wanted to talk about it. It was so nice._   
_How can the chair support both their weight?_   
_Joel felt like throwing up, he wanted to rant and scream and tear his heart out but Ray was pressed up to his side, sleeping, without a care in the world._   
_It wouldn’t be fair._   
_It wouldn’t be fair to drag Ray down with him. Just because Joel was drowning and had a stupid little crush does not give him the right to decorate Ray’s life with his stupid problems._   
_Joel did not want to introduce to him to the demons that haunted him, for the simple fear that maybe they would start haunting Ray too._

~~~

Joel zoned out, thinking about his dream again while he shuffled through papers, half of him kept peeking to the door, as if Ray would fucking burst through them at any moment. It was silly Joel knew, but he felt so fucking cold and he wished Burnie would turn on the heat.   
Then the sun disappeared, and Joel never ate lunch, but it was time to go home anyway and he raced to the door.  
Ray was there.  
“Walking home?” Kara asked, “You know, you should really get a drivers licence, it’s cold Ray, you’ll get sick!” The blonde pouted at the words, and like clockwork Ray said that he’d be fine, as if he’s had this conversation before.  
“Going home early Joel? You should get some rest, or you know, take Ray home-”  
“I’m fine Kara, Jesuuuuus,” Ray retorted.  
“I’ll drive you home.” Joel’s heart was racing.  
“I literally live right over fucking there-” Ray started to point at the direction where he lived.  
“Great, I’m headed that way anyway.”  
Pause.  
“Really?” Ray quirked an eyebrow up.  
“That was a lie. Get in my car, there will be the warmth.”  
Pause.  
“Are you drunk?”  
“Not yet.”  
Ray shot him a shifty look and then agreed after some hesitation.

Kara had a smirk her face, like this was her plan all along.   
Joel held the door open for Ray as he walked to Joel’s car, Kara gave Joel a wink, for good luck of course, and watched them disappear into the parking lot. (For the first time in a long time, Joel was speechless, not even senseless ramblings could help him now.)

The car ride was a mess. Joel felt like a father to a teenager who parented wrong and can’t connect to his kids anymore. He felt like crying, confessing the things he dreams of; he wanted to shrink until he didn’t exist anymore.   
“Turn left? Yeah, left.” Ray was clutching the armrest because Joel was zoning out and going 55 miles per hour in an area where one should only go 30 max, and sometimes the fucker would speed to 60, or worse, 80. Strangely Ray felt a bit free, he wanted to open his window, stick his head out and scream.   
But it was cold.   
“So you not sleeping either?” Joel made a clicking sound with his tongue.  
“Nope.”  
“Nightmares?” Ray asked, looking out the window.  
“Worse.” Joel commented dryly, not knowing where this conversation was going and not wanting to continue it in order to find out.   
Ray chuckled, “What could be worse than nightmares?”   
“Tune in next week to find out,” Joel smirked as he stopped his car suddenly, Ray jolted forward and then looked up at the apartment building in front of him.   
“It’s a date.” Ray rolled his eyes and slammed the car door shut, Joel waited for him to enter his apartment complex before driving home.   
_Dreaming of you, a version of you that loves me, is ten times worse than any nightmare, I dream and I never want to wake up. I wake up to a nightmare._

Joel breathed in coffee like it would fucking save him, the warm liquid stayed in his hand as he looked around his apartment and wondered if Ray would go well with the colors on the walls, he wondered if the younger’s scent would mix well with his.  
He wondered if it didn’t matter.

He went to bed early and said _fuck it_ to his work.  
~~~  
 _Joel was there, staring intently to his screen and Ray felt like an outsider. But this was his dream damn it, and Dream Joel could leave if he didn’t want to deal with Ray._  
 _The older spotted him and smiled, only to get back to work._

_“Don’t you ever get tired of that?” Ray asked, innocently, curiously._   
_Joel burst into flames, something consuming him. He was still visible but his skin was turning black, smoke filled the air and smelt like cigarettes._   
_“Very.” His voice shaking, he seemed to be unbothered by the fire dancing around him, on him, in him._   
_Ray wanted very much to touch him, but he was afraid of getting burned._

~~~  
Ray stayed awake, and he hoped sometimes, really hoped that his dreams were very far from the truth. He didn't remember when he had that dream, but all he could really do this late at night was recall things his fucked up mind came up with when he dreamed.  
He really wanted to tell Joel. Someone. Anyone, really, about all this. Maybe if he told someone, the dreams about Joel would stop and he could finally get some rest.  
He felt unsettled by the thought of confessing something like this to his guy friends though.  
Sexuality is hard.   
Maybe it was a conscious thing, maybe he pissed Joel off somehow and this was the world getting back at him.   
Was it the car ride? It couldn’t have been, Ray has been having the faint imprint of Joel invade his dreams from the moment he first said hello to the older.   
Was it destiny? Like a soul mate thing?  
Ray’s heart twitched.  
 _Nah. Couldn’t be that._

~~~~  
 _Work_.   
Ray’s head felt compressed and his eyes stung worse than a bee’s sting, the cup of coffee in his hand felt heavy, like a burden. Dust swirled around him like old memories awakening and suddenly there was a sickening sensation in his stomach. He did dream last night, only for a moment, he dreamed that Joel was dead.   
The dust around him awoke hidden memories of dreams past, each alternate reality crying out to him.  
Ray remembered every moment Joel made him laugh in real life, he remembered how Joel seemed to be buried in work and Ray wondered if the older would rather be buried in dirt instead.   
He sighed.  
There was a hand on his shoulder and Ray only knows one person who’d be awake at this hour.  
Monty’s crooked smirk was a telltale sign of what he’d say next.  
“Want to talk about something?” His eyes were sympathetic, and Ray was the perfect mix of desperate and so fucking tired to spill his guts out to Monty.  
Monty sipped his coffee, and from the counter of the kitchen he’d shoot wary glances at the door, making sure no one would spring up on them, letting Ray basically vomit his feelings on him while he held Ray’s hair.   
Monty’s coffee was done and Ray’s was cold, he was out of breath and feeling stupid.  
“Look I’m-”  
“If you want my advice, you have two options to stop this. One: Forget Joel, never talk to him again, don’t fall into this dream induced trap and keep your feelings hidden until maybe, one day, you can bury them so deep they’ll never bother you again. Two: Go for it. I mean-” Monty looked around one last time, “ _Yolo, right_? But if you’re going to tap that ass, abandon fucking dream Joel, because real Joel is nothing like the one in your dreams.”  
Ray frowned and sighed.  
“I know man,” Ray exasperated while Monty sniffled and made himself another cup of coffee, “I know.”

~~~

_Ray was quiet, really quiet and Joel wanted to touch his shoulder and ask him something but speech illuded Joel._   
_“I don’t want to-” Ray mumbled and Joel opened and closed his mouth in confusion. Then Ray did something that was pretty uncommon for for him._   
_He asked for affection._   
_His head was low and his arms were outstretched._   
_“I want this.” His voice was quivering and Joel didn’t know what was wrong with his Dream Ray._   
_Then something washed over Joel. A realization that his demons were getting stronger and he was getting older._   
_A realization that maybe, just maybe, asking for someone’s help wasn’t weakness._   
_And then he felt Ray’s head on his chest, and wondered if Ray liked the beat of his heart._

~~~

The coffee cup felt like and old teacher Joel had when the bus was late one day and they pitied his slowly freezing hands.  
Dust flew around the room like forgotten friends, crying out-   
“Remember when-”  
“All the time,” Joel mumbled to himself.  
“Don’t you miss-”  
“Yes.” _Bitter_.  
“Is it safe to be breathing in all this dust?”  
Probably not, but old memories tend to collect dust like a hoarder collects trash. It’s dark but morning, and Joel has no idea what he’s going to do today. The darkness felt tingly around his skin and the ceiling feels like it’s gotten lower like Joel’s expectations for his life.  
That was home, but then he left to go to work and he never came home that night.

_A slump._   
_A drunken slump._   
_Nothing new._

Except Joel has no idea why he’s drunk or how he got drunk, or where he is for that matter.   
Is this a party?   
No.  
Nooo.  
Is it?   
Joel had his arm slumped around Ray’s waist and his mouth spilled nonsense like ‘You don’t even go here,’ into the air only for Ray to laugh in retaliation and say ‘Dumbass, I work with you.’   
Joel was drunk, it was New Years Eve and the office was lively with people making resolutions and counting down the clock. Everyone was there, even Gus who hates this sort of thing. (The hermit was dragged out of his shell by the deadly Burnie and Ester; their wonderful team work, threats and bribes were the perfect combination to convince Gus to have New Years at the office and then actually show up to the office New Years party. Burnie thought it would be fun to get wasted at the office, I mean, worse comes to worse, everyone gets too drunk to drive home and this office party turns into an office sleep over.)

“I have dreams about you Ray Na-narv, Ray Na-na Jr., Ray Narvz,” there was a pause for Joel to drink himself a little closer to death, “Jr.”   
The alcohol coursing through Joel’s veins whispered for him to take a leap of faith. If he was drunk and said nonsense, no one would remember, right? If Ray reacted badly or laughed him off nervously Joel could scream ‘I’m so drunk I don’t even know what I’m saying’ and all the damage would be fixed.   
Until.  
“I dream about you too Joel.” Ray was not drunk. Ray does not drink.  
 _Compute Joel, compute._   
Joel was completely baffled.   
“You’re shitting me.” For the first time in a long time Joel wanted to be completely sober. He wanted to shake the alcohol out of system and listen to what Ray’s unconscious brain though of him. He wanted to drag the younger into his office and lock the door. He wanted to-  
He wanted to-  
He wanted to know if he was the reason Ray couldn’t sleep at night.   
“Are _you_ serious?” Ray shot back, the Puerto Rican was sure that Joel’s drunk ass didn’t mean anything he said but what were the chances of Joel remembering this in the morning?   
“I dream, and then I can’t sleep because I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t sleep,” _stop your train wreck of a mouth, Joel,_ “And then I feel bad because the dreams are really cute like super cute and you’re cute and I don’t know I think I’m shaking do you really dream about me too or is this a joke.”  
“There a stupid thing on the internet,” Ray offered tentatively, “That says ‘when you can’t fall asleep at night, it’s because someone else is dreaming of you’ I have insomnia, you have insomnia.” Ray let the last of his sentence die out. The room bounced up and down with drunken happiness and excitement for the new year.   
But for a second.   
One second, everything was quiet, Joel was sober, and the only thing that mattered in the world was him and Ray.  
“Are you serious?”  
“Are _you_ serious?” Ray shot back, his palms noticeably sweaty and Joel was getting giddy.  
The world was flying by fast.  
“I’m really fucking serious.” A phrase many drunk people have said in the past, “I bet, bet that’s what we have. I dream of you and you can’t sleep, you dream of me and I can’t sleep.” Joel sat his beer down on a table near him and stared at Ray with pleading eyes.   
“TEN,” there was a collective shout from every drunk person in the fucking office, “NINE,” new years is coming, and coming fast.  
“What do we do now?” Joel asked, he studied Ray’s face with increasing difficulty, he was really regretting that last beer.  
And then Ray’s face dropped.  
“EIGHT.”  
“You’re drunk and this is a joke right?” Ray wanted to eject himself from this conversation and get away as fast as he could.   
“SEVEN.”  
“No, nononono.” Joel was slurring up a storm, it was either the alcohol or how this conversation was going, but Joel felt like he was going to throw up.   
“SIX.”  
“Just because I’m drunk doesn’t mean I’m not telling the truth.” Joel wanted to say that, but the words got tangled in his throat and just sounded like a mess.   
Ray looked horrified.  
“FIVE.”   
“Please believe me.”  
“FOUR.”  
“What do we do now?” Joel pleaded.  
“THREE.”  
“We forget this happened.”   
“TWO.”  
“What?” Joel’s voice did not crack, he’s too old for that.   
“ONE.”  
“You heard me, we forget this happened.” Ray looked-  
Angry.  
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Streamers went flying and litter collected on the ground.  
“Really?” Suddenly the alcohol in Joel’s veins flowed freely once more, like it caught a second wind and was vigorously trying to bring Joel down, as if the bottle he reached for once more was an axe and his body was a tree. He swayed in place and stared, passed Ray, he stared at some distant point in time where he didn’t exist and was just a speck. Someone clasped his shoulder and wished him something.  
Joel really hoped they wished him death but he knew that was not likely.   
_Timber_.

~~~

_Joel was coughing, he seemed sick but he just stared at his computer screen. Clicking, always pressing buttons, always with a frown, always stressed._   
_“Joel,” Ray breathed out but he was just typing, always typing._   
_“Joel,” he said it louder this time._   
_Joel stopped working, suddenly frantic, he grabbed at things around his desk like a wild animal getting hunted._   
_“Joel? Dude calm down,” Joel breathed heavily for a moment, and then he was calm._   
_Like a glitch._   
_He grabbed his car keys and left._   
_“Dont leave me alone!” Ray called out, angrily, “Where are you going?”_   
_“Away.”_   
_The idea of away seemed nice, so he followed Dream Joel all the way to the parking lot and watched as he started his car._   
_Then he waited._   
_“Are you getting in?” Dream Joel asked._   
_The word no was on the tip of Ray’s tongue but the handle to the passenger seat of the car was on the tip of Ray’s fingers._   
_So he got in._   
_And he stuck his head out the window._   
_Then Joel smirked._

~~~

Ray was awake, he switched the TV channels from one to another. He pulled an all nighter again.  
(Nothing new, except now he knew why he couldn’t fall asleep.)   
He heard someone shifting in the bedroom but was not alarmed.

Now, Ray was not the type of person to take advantage of someone when they’re drunk, because A) He’s not a creep and B) He’s not a fucking asshole and he knows how to handle drunk people, plus he can’t get over the alcohol taste on someone long enough to actually fuck them.

He heard a groan from the other room.

Ray would like the reader to know that nothing happened, there was no taking off clothes, there was no nothing this was just an experiment.

Ray heard a soft _thunk_ and a muttering of shushed curse words.

This was not a mistake either, this was a quick fix to something the Puerto Rican almost fucked up.

“What the fuck Ray?” Joel groaned as he reached the end of the hallway and into Ray’s living room. Joel’s hair was stuck up and messy, tired eyes squinted in the faint light, “Just, what?”

Ray felt a slight surge of panic, but he knew what he was doing.  
Right?  
“Did you dream of me last night?”  
Joel inhaled a deep breath and exhaled a soft “Yeah.”   
Memories from last night flashed before Joel’s eyes, a hangover pounded in Joel’s head like an angry landlord pounding at someone’s house, demanding rent. Ray could tell Joel was in pain, and not because he watched Joel drink an absurd amount of alcohol, but because Ray’s background with bartending and his rowdy high school friends who would leap at any chance to get wasted, he was well equipped in the ways of handling drunk/hungover people. Some people have a way with kids, well, Ray’s special talent was handling drunk people. (Kids and drunk people, just for the record, are not so different from one another.)  
“I guess that’s why I didn’t sleep last night,” He answered with a yawn.  
Joel rubbed the back of his neck, the feeling of guilt washing over him.  
“Sorry.”   
“Not your fault.” Ray deadpanned, it was January now, the very start of a new year and man Ray could already tell what a shit year this was going to be if it kept going at this rate.   
An awkward silence followed, and then the gears in Ray’s sleep deprived brain turned slowly.  
“The bathrooms over here,” he said getting up from the couch and pointing, “There’s a spare toothbrush and stuff in the medicine cabinet, and uhh, I don’t have clothes that fit you. I might. I’ll check. Here’s a towel,” Ray said as he opened a closet filled with a few of his pajamas, some shit that was still left for him to unpack, and a stack of towels of various colors. “Shower’s easy to use, the one handle that says hot has hot water-”  
“I-I can manage,” Joel said as he took the towel from Ray’s hand and held eye contact for a little to long.  
“Thank you,” Joel wanted to add a question to that but didn’t; so he closed the bathroom door behind him and left Ray alone.

The younger sighed.

This happened really fast, and Ray felt a bit, wrong, about all this. I mean, in a drunken rush Joel confessed something and Ray freaked the fuck out.

Maybe he can slow this down again.   
But here Ray was, opening his closet and trying to find clothes big enough for Joel to wear when he got out of the shower. He settled on an oversized sweatshirt that was sure to fit Joel and some pants Ray hasn’t fit in since, forever.   
He yelled through the door that he laid clothes out for Joel on the bed, and then went into the kitchen. Food doesn’t make itself and Ray isn't that good of a cook, but he tried to make something edible. Only for the bacon came out limp and Ray doesn’t think hash browns are supposed to look like that, and _yikes_ , what the fuck was that?

Joel emerged with wet hair and a clean hoodie, but he still had his pants from last night.  
He had a shit eating grin on his face.  
“Trying to cook?”   
Ray opened the trash and threw out the ‘food’ he tried to make, “Trying being the key word.”  
“Let me-”  
“You dont have to-”  
“I know that, I’m too hungover to argue and I owe you for letting me crash here.” Joel’s voice was on edge, so Ray backed away and yawned; he headed for the couch to close his eyes for a second.  
“I have some advil somewhere,” Ray offered while Joel clanked pots and pans together, got out ingredients and turned dials. Joel returned the statement with a grunt.  
After a short pause, Joel spoke, “How come you changed your mind?”  
“How can you remember last night? You were so drunk.”  
Joel cracked an egg, “Don’t change the subject.”   
Ray made a pffft sound when he blew air from his closed lips, “I dunno. It was your fucking drunk ass face.”  
“What about my drunk face?” Joel asked as he stirred pancake batter.  
“It looked, you were like, really fucking sad man and I knew I fucked up.”  
They didn’t speak again until breakfast was made.  
“Should we talk about this?” Joel asked as he stuffed his face with pancakes that were the exact balance of fluffyness and sweet from syrup.  
“I feel like I haven’t eaten pancakes this good in forever.” Ray said as syrup dripped down his chin, his once light brown pancakes were now smothered in syrup, and because of the sweet liquid substance they turned a deep maple color. For someone who claimed to not like cake he sure liked to fucking drown his pancakes in sweet shit.  
Joel rolled his eyes.  
“I mean about the, the, the thing. You know. That.”   
“The eggs and bacon are good too.” Ray smirked and took another bite of his food, “So what do you want to do?”   
“I dunno.”   
“Productive.”  
“Could you really not sleep last night?” Joel asked, only to have Ray nod and take a swig of his strawberry milk. “Have you ever had trouble sleep before?”  
“Not since I met you.”   
Ray didn’t mean to sound harsh, but shit happens. Joel shut up for a while until the guilt seeped through Ray’s skin and poisoned him like ink.  
“Maybe we should take turns sleeping? Like. I’ll sleep for a few hours, and then you can wake me up to sleep.”  
“Sounds like we’re going to war.” Joel lifted his plate up from the table and put his dishes in Ray’s sink.  
“Hey, maybe we are.”   
“Why’d you take me home with you?”  
Ray shrugged, “You were drunk and tired and I live like three minutes from the office.”   
Joel remembered all the work he had to do.  
“Want to play some games while he try and figure out what the fuck is happening with us?”  
Joel pretend he forgot about all the work he had to do.

~~~  
 _Joel inhaled sharply only to have the air around him cut deeply into his neck like a he swallowed glass. His motor skills were underpar and his brain felt fuzzy._  
 _Drunk? Nothing new except he didn’t feel like this was enough._  
 _He reached over the bar and drunk more._  
 _A red flag signalling that this was a dream should have alerted Joel that something was wrong, different, but it’s hard to read the signs when you’re so drunk that you’re dreaming about being drunk._  
 _One. There is no one at this bar. There was only Joel._  
 _Two. One was a lie. Someone else is here._  
 _He’s distressed and pleading, Joel hears someone asking him, telling him, begging him to leave for him to put the glass down, to walk out of here._  
 _But he can’t. He keeps drinking, glass after glass of whiskey, vodka, tequilla, you name it and odds are it’s coursing through Joel’s veins right now._  
 _“Please.” There’s a hand wrapped around Joel’s hand that’s clutching a glass filled with a golden liquid._  
 _“Please.”_  
 _Again. Ray’s not looking at Joel because his eyes are shut tight._  
 _“Please.” Ray’s fingers smoothed small circles onto Joel’s hand, while Ray’s mouth made the most heart shattering sound, a deadly combination of a quiet sob and a gasp._  
 _“Please.” Voice shaking, tears raced down Ray’s cheeks._  
 _Joel’s head felt faint. He felt like he was falling in his dream._  
 _When his brain made it so all he could see was black he woke up startled, jumping into the air, breathing heavily._  
 _Joel groaned, but he didn’t feel guilty at all about this dream._  
 _Infact, I guess Joel was most disappointed that his dream was not a reality._  
 _That startled him a bit. This was nothing new._   
~~~

Joel felt guilt pool in the bottom of his stomach and for some reason he really wanted to go home, he knew he couldn’t, but this all felt surreal.  
He just. He didn't want to fuck this up.   
“Isn’t science just doing stupid stuff and writing it down? I refuse to sleep here unless you have a lab coat,” Joel slurred tiredly as he got himself situated on the couch, “Also, why don’t we just set alarms or something? That way we can spare my back,” Joel took about five thick blankets, and threw them over himself, “And another thing-”   
Ray laughed, his voice was smooth like milk chocolate syrup being drizzled on top of a perfectly made cup of hot cocoa.   
“Next time we’ll set off alarms okay? I just. I want to make sure-” Ray watched Joel with a stupid grin as the older tried to situate himself comfortably on the couch, “That this is a thing that’s happening-” Joel was too big for the couch and his feet were hanging off the edge, “And that we need to find a way to fix out schedules and shit. Joel sleep on the bed.”  
“No.” Joel pulled the covers up to his ears while Ray turned off the lights and went off to bed. “Goodnight!” Joel called out.  
“Night.”  
“Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”  
“Are you saying my house is dirty?”   
“Good-goodnight!”  
“Night Joel.”  
 _I love you._  
~~~  
Ray fell asleep alright, he fell asleep to the sound of Joel’s body twisting and turning on the couch and sweet serenades of ‘god fucking-’ or an exasperated sigh that flowed out of Joel’s lips. Ray tried really hard not to think about it because if he started to think about Joel’s lips things would go wrong.   
It was too late though, because Ray fell asleep alright, he feel asleep to the deja vu feeling of _Joel’s arms around his torso, pulling him closer, the feeling of his chin on his shoulder. And then there was a familiar question._  
 _“What are you doing?” Dream Joel would ask, but to tell the truth, Ray had no idea. He kept positioning himself and re positioning himself so he could comfortably curl up in Joel’s chest, hearing him laugh as arms wrapped around Ray and legs tangled together. The bed sheets were cool and Joel‘s warm body provided the perfect contrast. Ray felt so at home, comfortable for the first time in a long time._  
 _Safe._  
 _“What are you doing?” Dream Joel asked again through a tired mouth, a yawn dancing on his lips._  
 _“Getting comfortable,” Ray refused to close his eyes. Joel mumbled something and wrapped his arms around Ray tighter._  
 _Ray, for a second, thought that he could get used to this._  
~~~  
It’s awkward being Joel. He’s at Ray’s house and can’t fall asleep, he didn’t want to turn on the TV for fear that he’ll wake the younger in his room, and he can’t just leave, that would be rude.   
He wanted someone to tell him he deserved this. His head pounded with uncomfort and his stomach churned with anxiety. His bones ached as cold air seemed to penetrate his skin and make his bones howl out in pain. He wasn’t even that old for christs sake but he felt so tired and alone and he just wanted to be home.   
He stared at the ceiling and in the dark void and swore that something stared back.  
Something neutral.  
Something.   
Joel tried hard to concentrate on sleeping but he knew he couldn’t, not with Ray sleeping soundly.  
This was all Joel’s fault and to be honest he seriously thought-  
That is he offed himself-  
They could easily replace him at the office-  
And he and Ray would finally be able to sleep.

Eventually staring at the dark ceiling turned into staring at a slightly lighter ceiling, and then it turned into staring at a white ceiling while he listened to Ray stirr and waltz into the living room.  
“Did you-”  
“Nope.” Joel said, eyes still wide while he looked at the ceiling.  
Now it was Ray’s turn to feel guilty.  
“You can sleep in my bed while I-”  
“So now it’s confirmed right? You dream of me when you sleep and I dream of you. When we dream the other can’t fall asleep. It’s a fact. True.”  
“Yeah I guess-”  
“Alright then, _so what do we do now_?” Joel snapped, fists clenched the blankets around him tightly.   
Ray sighed at Joel’s tone of voice, “We could set alarms. Like I’ll go to bed first one night and you’ll go to bed first another night. We could sleep for like three hours at a time and then when the alarms go off we’ll wake up and the other will sleep.”  
“Sounds like a plan,” Joel gave up talking in mid-sentence and promptly drifted off into sleep.  
 _Old man._  
 _Cute old man._  
Ray made coffee as Joel snored softly on his couch. Since they had today off too there was no rush to go to work, or do work, or do anything for that matter.   
Ray lounged around and thought about taking a nap, I mean Joel was on his couch so he can’t watch TV or turn on his xbox without waking up Joel for sure.  
Ray remembered that he can’t take a nap because Joel’s sleeping.  
Eh, might as well get some work done right?  
Ray opened his laptop and sat down at the kitchen table for two reasons, one, he didn’t want to go to his bedroom and do work, he’d feel lonely, two, he wanted to watch Joel’s chest rise and fall.  
~~~  
It’s been a few days now and old routines seemed to be easier to get into then Joel’s jeans. Go to work early, drink your coffee, hibernate in your office and leave without a trace. That’s how Joel’s life seemed to go, until he caught a glimpse of Ray.  
His tired ass eyes and the playful yawn that escaped his lips made Joel’s stomach churn.   
While Joel did infact wake up when his alarm told him to, it seemed like Ray wasn’t getting enough sleep.   
He felt so guilty and apologetic, a weight seemed to tie itself around Joel’s neck and choke him. Bringing him down, down, until he was wide awake on his own bed, mesmerized by his own ceiling, the darkness drowning him.  
He couldn’t bring himself to sleep though.  
He couldn’t bring himself to be happy either.

~~~  
Ray’s laugh echoed through the halls of work, it was so contagious that Joel couldn’t help but smirk. He grabbed a cup of coffee from the coffee machine like it would save him and sauntered to his desk. His eyes were dry but he didn’t feel guilty.  
Not at all.   
Lunch time crept up on Joel but he didn’t feel hungry.   
Actually, Joel felt starved, but there was a part of his brain that wanted to make him disappear. Joel wanted to be so small he’d vanish.  
But he heard a knock on his door.  
“C-come in,” Joel let the words cascade out of his mouth lazily.   
“I was thinking we could take lunch together,” Ray said as he leaned on the door frame.  
“Am I in trouble?” Joel offered, only to have Ray quirk an eyebrow up, “Oh I am in trouble,” Joel teased as he passed an hand over his growing goatee and opened the drawer next to him. He grabbed his keys and got up, when he passed by Ray he tilted his head downward to get a good look at his eyes, a smirk forming on Joel’s lips, “Where do you wanna go boss?”

~~~

Burger King felt like the complete opposite of a palace, and the company should really think about changing its name. Just because you give out paper crowns to kids does not make them royalty. It also does not make Burger King’s food fit for a king, and if you could really ‘have it your way’ then Joel would order a happy meal and actually feel less depressed after eating it, not more depressed.   
Ray’s hands tapped a beat out on his thighs, his head bobbed the the rhythm he made up and then he sighed. Waiting for in the drive through line with Joel was proving to be more tense than either of them imagined, but damn it Ray had something to say and he was going to say it-  
“So,” Joel said as he stole all confidence from Ray, “What did you want to talk about?”  
“I. I overslept through the alarm,” Ray said apologetically, “I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep because of me.”  
“Naw. I had a lot of work so I didn’t bother sleeping anyway. Don’t worry about it.”  
“Let me pay for lunch to make up for it-”  
“Nonono, it’s okay, really Ray.” Joel hastily said as the window with the overworked underpaid worker seemed to get closer. He took enough money from Ray’s hand to pay for his part of the food, Joel merged his money with his own as he traded it for food. Joel gave Ray the bag as they drove off, deeper into the parking lot they went while Ray shuffled the bag.  
“You can call me you know,” Ray said with a mouth half filled with a burger, “If I oversleep or something just give me a call and yell at me or something.”   
“It’s okay, you need sleep more than I do.”  
“Are you kidding me?” Ray reached for his coke to help his burger go down, “You’re practically stressed all the time, you work like a dog and I play video games for a living. You need sleep way more than I ever will.”  
“Yeah well,” Joel picked at the food in his hand and took a large gulp of his coke, “What are you going to do force me to sleep?” Joel’s voice was dry and sarcastic, like it always is.  
“Maybe I will. Sleepover.” Ray was stubborn and determined to make Joel’s life just a little easier.  
“Good luck getting into my house,” Joel said as put the car in drive.  
“I’m spanish man, do you seriously think I couldn’t break into your house if I tried?”  
“You’re racist.”  
“You’re impossible.”

~~~

Ray’s body clinged to sleep like a child would cling to his mother. His alarm beeped and cried, shaking him awake from whatever dream he was having. Ray unlocked his phone and sent out a text.

_Guess who._  
Sent at 3:20 AM

Ray yawned as he set his phone off to the side.

_Go back to sleep. I have work to do_  
Received: 3:21AM

_Liar. Go to sleep._  
Sent: 3:21AM

_No_  
Received: 3:21AM

Ray sighed deeply. For an old man, Joel could be such a child sometimes.

_You’re gonna regret this in the morning_  
Sent: 3:23AM

_Never_.  
Received: 3:23AM.

Ray’s body craved sleep more then anything and he thought about giving in to the temptation but he wouldn’t. If Joel was going to be stubborn then he wasn't going to be twice as stubborn.  
Except he lacked the willpower at this very moment, and gave up quickly to his heavy eyelids.

~~~

It was quitting time, it was cold outside and Ray had on a grey zip up hoodie that had white wool on the inside of it. He leaned on the office door frame as he chatted with Kara, when he heard Joel’s foot steps stop in front of him he stopped the conversation and looked at Joel from the top of his glasses.   
“If you’re going to be stubborn I’m going to be more stubborn.”  
“Oh Ray’s got you there Joel.”  
Joel sighed, “Go home Ray.”  
“I am going home, just to your home.”  
“Shit son what are you gonna do now?” Kara said enthusiastically.  
So Joel opened the door for Ray, his head hung low in defeat.  
“A real southern gentleman,” Kara joked.  
“Thank you Kara. Always the help.”   
Kara made a saluting motion with her hand.  
“You come to my house. You try and make me sleep.”  
“Joel we’re still in your car.”  
“You’re in my car. You insult my words.”  
“Start the car Joel it’s freezing.”  
“Yes sir, would you like some tea and crumpets too?”  
“You can’t scare me away.”  
Oh just you wait.  
The car ride was short, Joel living only a few blocks from the office, Ray did, however, bolt from the car door once it stopped and waited patiently for Joel to open his apartment door.   
“It’s cold Joel move faster.” To which Joel started to walk slowly, as if he was in slow motion. “God damn it Joel stop pulling a Gavin you are not from the Slow-mo guys.”   
Joel flipped the keys around in his hand and opened the door.  
The apartment was cool because Joel neglected to turn on the heating; suddenly he got flustered, a wave of anxiety hit Joel and the ocean was polluted with sharks.   
“Sorry it’s cold, I didn’t,” Joel’s hand found the wall as he searched for the light.  
Damn it Joel, it’s your own god damn apartment why do you feel like a stranger.  
Finally, the light switch stuck out and he flipped it lazily. He put his jacket down on a chair and looked for the thermostat.  
“I’m not cheap I swear,” Joel joked, but the statement came across as serious.  
“Jesus Joel I do the same thing. Fuck heating just layer clothes that’s my motto.”  
“Motto?”  
“Nothing, what’s the motto with you?”  
“Isn’t your motto Yolo,” Joel cranked the dial on the wall,  
“Well you know that was a joke,” Ray mumbled.  
“Or ‘Blaze it,”  
“See you were supposed to say ‘what’s a motto’ but you fucked up.”   
“Or ‘alcohol tastes bad because blah blah blah.”  
“See you missed my joke and now you’re talking over me.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Don’t be.”  
“Do I have to feed you too?”  
“Shit, sorry now I feel like an ass.”  
“You are an ass.” But a cute ass so I’ll allow it.  
“Now you gotta make me food and ugh, so much work for you,” Ray said sarcastically.  
“Make food? Yeah right,” Joel threw his house phone at Ray’s face, “Order up kid.”   
“What do you want?”  
“Don’t care, not hungry.” I want to be invisible.  
Ray shrugged and started to dial a number on the phone.  
Joel’s apartment was larger than Ray’s. The kitchen was the first thing you saw when you opened the door, directly in front of the door was a semi-circle blue table that was pressed up against the wall, and the tablecloth was a yellow and orange checkered pattern. There was a white fridge (filled with beer) right next to the door also, the floor was a white tile of large squares. The drawers, stove, and everything else was an eggshell white color. There was this little bar like counter that had a dark grey granite countertop.   
From the kitchen there were two stairs that when you step down them both would take you directly into Joel’s living room, and if you walked straight from Joel’s wooden living room you’d find a white door and in that white door was a dark room with a single desk and desktop computer perched on it.   
Backtracking, if you exited the kitchen and headed right, you’d have a hallway filled with pictures, through the first door on the left was a closet filled with towels, and some clothes, first door on the right was the bathroom, (A tiny dull yellow was painted on the walls, and the bathtub was a baby blue color), then end of the hallway you were met with Joel’s bedroom.   
He had a queen sized bed and no one to share it with.  
(His room walls were a dull blue color and his bed sheets were black and grey.)   
Ray tripped down the two stairs from the kitchen and Joel smirked as Ray’s voice cracked in the middle of ordering a pizza.  
“Why is that there?”  
“Did you send the pizza to the right place?”  
“Seriously did Satan design your house?”  
“No he had a waiting list well into the next century. Did you order it with something I’d like?”  
“Yes Joel. I ordered two pizzas.”  
“Okay.”  
“Alright.” Joel grabbed the back of his neck and opened the fridge to take out a beer.  
“Do you want anything?”  
“Not really, thank you.” Ray realized that he was hanging out with Joel, alone. At his house.  
Going from never talking to Joel to suddenly sleepovers seemed like a big jump but hell they were both dreaming about each other.   
It seemed logical to start to hang out right?  
~~~  
“Go to sleep Joel.” Ray said as he rubbed his eyes, he creaked open the door to Joel’s solitary computer room, letting the light pool in front of him.  
“Let me just-”  
“Please Joel. Work will be there in the morning. Just go to sleep.” Ray yawned and Joel grumbled something under his breath.  
“Fine. You cranky old man.”  
“Look who’s talking.” Ray shot back.  
Joel’s couch had a little bed you could unleash when guests were over and it was surprisingly comfortable.   
Seeing Joel’s tired face going to bed, for some reason, made Ray’s night as he settled himself on Joel’s little couch bed.

They took lunch together again that day, and Ray came home with Joel for the night.  
He asked this time and Joel was willing.  
They went out again for lunch and ordered dinner, and Ray almost cried from laughing at Joel’s idocity.  
Then, slowly, certain things of Ray’s started to make guest appearances at Joel’s apartment.   
It started out small, clothes, then toothbrushes, towels, and then books. Then Ray’s smell started to cling to everything that Joel owned, and Ray’s face seemed to match everything in Joel’s house.  
  
And then Ray seemed to become a permanent addition to Joel’s everyday routine.   
Ray made Joel laugh until he couldn’t breath right, but there was still something, something dark grabbing at Joel’s throat.  
It was become increasingly hard to be sad and hide it.

“Go to bed Joel.”  
“No.” Joel wasn’t playing around this time, he really had to work and was going to pull an all nighter.  
“Joel please.”  
“No, no don’t Joel please me, Ray I seriously need to get this done.” Joel stared intently at the screen in front of him, his eyes burned not because he was straining them, but because it was becoming increasingly aware to Joel that he was empty.   
“Okay.” Ray dropped to the ground and sat next to Joel’s chair. Joel clicked save on his program and looked down on Ray, literally and figuratively.  
“What are you doing.” It wasn’t really a question at this point.  
“If you’re not going to sleep I’m not going to sleep.”   
Joel made a _pfft_ sound with his mouth and continued to work.  
“Doesn’t this get boring? I mean, you seem stressed like 90% of the time and just-”  
Something in the program glitched and Joel picked up his mouse and slammed it back down on his desk.  
“It’s more frustrating then anything.” Joel did not notice Ray flinch.   
“Oh.”  
Three hours. They stayed like that for three hours and slowly, the his file on the computer, Joel felt himself become corrupted.   
Glitched.  
Joel wanted to break down and cry, but he felt his chair move without Joel moving.   
He looked down to find Ray leaning on one of the chair’s legs, and that was the moment Joel decided that he didn’t deserve Ray.   
He clicked save one more time and decided that he was going to become invisible. But this time for real.

Joel woke up to the smell of pancakes and forgot all about last night’s endeavors. Ray flashed him a smile when they met in the kitchen.  
“I didn’t burn the house down.”  
“Thanks for that.”  
Joel could become invisible some other time.

~~~  
 _Joel dreamed about Ray leaving him. He dreamed that one day, he’d wake up, and Ray would not be found. He dreamed that the sinking feeling in his stomach pulled him down to the core of the Earth and burned him in a magma filled rage, demons standing around him laughing-_  
 _He dreamed that Ray didn’t leave him, but left the whole damn world behind. He dreamed of going up to people, frantically asking them if they knew a Ray._  
 _Joel also had a dream that Ray became unhappy. That somehow, Joel transferred depression to him like the common cold._  
 _He had a horrific dream of Ray being on the couch, and they were both to depressed to move. Paralyzed by a crippling fear, a combination of doing everything wrong, and just not caring._

~~~

“You go to sleep first tonight,” Ray said as he pressed the buttons on his controller frantically.   
“I’m good,” Joel said as he opened a coke and sat next to Ray.  
“No seriously, I need to record this achievement, I’m going to be up all goddamned night.”  
“I guess so am I,” Joel said as he sipped his coke.  
Ray paused his game, “Go to sleep you deserve it.”  
“Nope.”  
So they stayed like that until Ray finished what he had to do.  
“Go to sleep now.”  
“No.”  
“Joel. Come on.”  
“No.”  
Ray sighed deeply and rubbed his hand over his face.  
“Fine. If you won’t sleep neither will I.”  
And they didn’t.  
All they did was talk.  
But Joel felt his demons creep out from under the couch and choke him. Suddenly he’d go quiet and Ray would wonder what’s wrong.  
 _Ask him. Ask him. Ask. Him._  
“Do you think- Do you you ever wonder why we're here.”   
“I find myself wondering why I’m pulling an all nighter with you sometimes.”  
“Do you regret this? Do you wish that you’d dream of someone who wasn’t as old as me or actually attractive? Like a young girl-or guy I don’t really care what you do with your pants but do you ever wish you were having this adventure with someone else and not someone as old as me?”   
“No. Not really.”   
Joel’s heart twitched.  
“Are we dating?” Joel blurted out, his heart beating faster than a rabbit being chased by hellhounds.   
“Do you want to be?”  
“I ask you, you Ray.”  
“Fucking got me. I feel like we were already dating, to tell the truth.”   
“Really?”  
“Yeah.” Ray smiled and Joel tried extremely hard not to press his lips to Ray’s right then and there.

In the morning, both of them are tired but slightly happier.  
Except Joel could still feel the demons stir in his stomach, he can feel the uselessness inside of him and he wondered if this is the type of baggage he should show Ray upfront or push under the bed for a while.   
Ray kissed him on the lips, nothing special, nothing big; half because Ray wanted to get their first kiss together over with and half because Joel’s tired face is cute. (To bad Joel’s tired all the time, at least the face he wears when he is is cute.)  
“Was that not okay?” Ray asked when they broke apart.  
“No, that was perfect.”   
Joel wouldn’t believe this was happening.

~~~  
They came home from work with their fingers interlaced, and later Joel would curl up on the couch with Ray under his arm while they both worked for a while. Joel tried to type with one hand and a laptop on his lap while Ray tried to concentrate on his video game and the faces Joel would shoot him while he was playing.  
“You’re going to die, make that jump. God damn it Ray you’re so bad at this.”  
“Joel, that’s a loading screen.”   
It wasn’t perfect, but nothing really is.

Joel offered Ray his bed and Ray accepted on one condition; that if Joel stole all the covers he would have to make breakfast in the morning.  
So they do end up sleeping together. Not fuck, not yet. Ray was Joel’s Sunday afternoon, when it’s too late to go out with friends and all your work is done, and you have that blissful evening to yourself. Ray was Joel’s warm cup of coffee except better.   
Ray was someone Joel could look forward to after work, besides having more work waiting for him at home, Joel knew he had Ray.  
But why, why did he feel so fucking sad?   
“Do you think it’s fate?” Ray asked, he interlaced his hand with Joel’s and was facing the older man, there was a good three inches of space in between the two of them. Not to close, not to far away.   
“What’s fate?”  
“I dream of you, you dream of me-”  
“Ah yes that. How’s dream Joel doing?”  
“Doesn’t compare to the real thing.”  
They seemed to be breathing in sync.  
“Maybe.”  
Then something miraculous happened. Joel fell asleep and Ray followed suit.  
They did not dream that night.

Ray is ecstatic in the morning, he brushed the fingertips of his hand over Joel’s cheek. Well rested and with a beaming smile he can’t help but ask-  
“Morning sunshine. Dream about me?”   
Brows furrowed, Joel tilted his head and body so he was facing the ceiling, he let out a yawn.  
“Actually. No.”  
 _I told you it was fate, Ray thought to himself._   
“We fixed it! We fixed it or something.”   
_Are you going to leave me because of this?_  
“Do you think it really was fate-”  
 _There’s no reason for you to stick around._  
“I mean, what if it was a fluke-”  
 _Shit. I’m back at square one._  
“Joel? Joel are you listening?” Ray asked, “Isn’t this great?!”  
“Yeah! Great!” Joel faked enthusiasm so bad it hurt.  
“Grumpy,” Ray murmured.

Joel did not say many things that day.  
He even had half a mind to leave work without Ray.  
He didn’t say anything at home.  
And suddenly Ray felt like a ghost to Joel; he chilled him, became transparent, like Ray was void of a heart beat and Joel was stuck with the clocks counting down to the day they would all die.

“There’s technically no reason for you to stay over anymore,” Joel let those string of words slip from his mouth.  
“Oh. Do you want me to move out? I did kinda just invite myself over-”  
“No, that’s not what I meant-”  
“Well it seemed like it.” Pause. “Do you think because we ‘fixed’ our dreams we shouldn’t be going out?”  
“What no!”  
“Just. Checking.” _Was that the only thing keeping this relationship going?_  
The silence was thick.  
“What’s wrong then?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Joel. Come on.  
“Nothing I just-” Joel got up and started sifting through drawers hastily “I need a cigarette.”  
“You never smoke.”  
“I do so smoke.”  
“You don’t do it often.” Joel slammed a drawer shut and Ray got up from his seat. “Come on Joel, tell me what’s wrong.”  
“I’m sad. Like all the time. I feel like I should save you from my train wreck self before you get in too deep. Look we fixed our dream shit and maybe you should find someone your own age-”   
“No. Don’t- don’t change the subject, what do you mean you’re sad?”  
“I’m a washed up actor Ray, do you honestly think I’m happy with my life?” Joel snapped and he could feel himself slipping, “You deserve someone so much better. And I’m just a mess all the time.” Joel opened a cigaret box with much difficulty.   
“No. Maybe I don’t want anyone better maybe I want you.”  
“I don’t think you want,” Joel popped a cigarette in his mouth and felt around for a light, “I don’t think you want this.” Joel motioned to all of him.   
“I don’t want this,” Ray took the cigarette from Joel’s mouth and Joel looked like he was going to smack him, “I’ve been handling you well so far? It’s not even handling. Look. I’m a shitty person, I don’t know what to say at times, I’m don’t leave home often, my gamerscore is the most impressive thing about me.” Ray took a deep sigh, “I can’t fix you. You need to help you get better. But I make mean pancakes, and I give good hugs and maybe we can learn to just, better each other?”  
“You make horrible pancakes.”  
“Joel shut up.”  
“They’re god awful.”   
Ray buried his face into Joel’s chest.  
“If it’s any consolation I like you. I don’t think you’re a washed up actor you’re a great actor.”  
“Shut up.”

Joel wrapped his hands around Ray and let his palm rest on his head for a while.

“I’m sorry.” Suddenly apologetic again, Joel threw his cigarettes into the drawer and closed it.   
“God don’t be.”  
Ray kissed Joel slowly, “If anything I’m sorry you don’t see how wonderful you are.”  
“Please don’t give me that bullshit.”  
So Ray kissed Joel slowly again and felt as the older started rubbing his back gently.   
“It’s not bullshit if it’s true.” Joel let out a laugh that sounded more like a bark than anything else.

  
Joel did promise to get better, slowly. Not for Ray, but for himself.   
I mean, if Joel could manage to make someone else love him, there had to be a way to make him love himself, right?  
 **Right**.

THE END  
Happy Holidays! I hope you enjoyed this! <3

 

 

 


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